Tuesday, September 05, 2006

First Night

Not sure about this one - a touch post-modernish. But it was something to do during my lunch hour:

First night

It was your eyes that sobered me: arctic
like the ice at the end of the world, a fox
staring down his hare across the tundra

of the crowded bar; tight shirts and shots
of cheap whisky mixed with slanders and lusts.
I don't think I smiled. I was in the bar

and then I was in the bar with you. Did we
dance, or chat? When you handed me lager I spied
iceflakes glint on your dew claw. I was

bounding through tundra, a London suburb
draped in white water, pack-ice in the streets.
Did we meet in the road? You goaded me

here, your arctic eyes reflecting curtains
of ghost-light, a god's disco crackling static
before our next dance, before we kiss.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Rik: Love S1, sets a great tone, very immediate. But the atmosphere gets confused – some of the language after that evokes a traditional stuffed bar, hot and smoky and sweaty and we lose something of the clarity of atmosphere. “I was in the bar//and then I was in the bar with you.” – lovely line and strophe break. “When you handed me lager I spied/iceflakes glint on your dew claw.” Fantastic line – lager, iceflakes and dew claw just belong together and hark back beautifully to S1. Apart from that, some confusion on sequence of events – meet in bar, bounding across London, then back kissing in bar? Get a bit lost as to who is where, when. Strong start, good luck with the revision. - Nic