Benedictus

The thing that the Pope - and his many, many little helpers - fail to understand is the fact that I am God's creation, just as much as he is. God created me the way that I am, with my middle finger just slightly longer than my index and ring fingers, with my brain wired in such a manner that I find the sight of a man's broad shoulders more sexually attractive than a woman's breasts, with a preference for sucking on lollipops rather than thrusting my tongue deep into the ice cream cone.

Putting aside the controversial subject of a gay gene, my body has been formed as it is without my active consent - indeed much of the handiwork occurred in the hormonal floods of my dear mother's womb. Whether I was conceived gay or not, I was most definitely born gay. And whatever way you choose to stir the figgy pudding, the fact remains that my existence on this planet must be God's will, and thus comes with God's blessing.

In fact, my homosexuality is a boon to the planet's ecology. I've no interest in creating more people, which means that rather than invest my energy into raising my own offspring I can invest that energy into helping to raise the children of my siblings (only two of the five of us chose to breed). I help the society I live in by paying taxes for services, most of which I do not then claw back to meet the needs of my loin's fruit. I am in every way a benefit to society, not a burden.

But no, we all have to bow to the dogma of a misunderstood God and a misrepresented Saviour. Which is a pity, I think.

But this is the season of good will to all men and such like, so may I take this opportunity to thank Pope Benedict for taking the time to think of me, on the eve's eve of the day of his Saviour's purported birth (I won't mention the fact that Jesus was most probably born on 29 September rather than 25 December, a birth date which I fortuitously share ... oops! Sorry about mentioning that), and wish him - and his many, many little helpers - a fruitful, peaceful and serene 2009.

Because people need more hugs; the world needs more hugs. Let's all work together to make 2009 the Year of the Hugs!