So in the meantime, redrafts of something else entirely:
Love Poem #1
As the hovercraft puffed its skirts
against the concrete apron, so I flew -
Dover harbour a spray of images
behind my brother as he swung me
over the salt-crust lawns, the edge
of the unguarded cliff, a handgrasp away
from learning the dangers of trust.
Now the last hovercraft has been scrapped
for spares, I can discover new seductions:
the dangers of windy walks through stiff grasses
to watch the sea bolster Dover below; the feel
of rain spattering my neck, my back
as I dance with you, tonight's friend,
on the edge of the cliff - eyes forward
not down - each step an experiment
in my trust of flinty contact.Love Poem #2
You're drowning me: water
blisters over the river's dirt bed -
a borewall of branches, snakes, garbage
dumped in the forgotten course. This flood
of you pistons me through storm drains.
"Change must come", grumbles
the corpse of a dog flushed
from its grave of dust and tyres.
Now the surge sings, percussion streams
harmonised with outlet gargles. Nerves
get pinched, pressed in my skin - the hands
of a giant who luges alongside me, holding me
safe in his great grasp; he pushes my form
through sewers, curving me into the sea.
You scare me; cleanse my veins
in chemicals and drown my lungs.
"Breed", squirm the maggots in dogmeat -
"Breed like the gods have smashed
the skins of the world!"
Now these poems have been workshopped, first by me doing my workshop of one thingy, then on the poetry newsgroups (with good, useful feedback, I'll say to any people who think only dross and scum play in the newsgroups), then finally on pffa, where most of my stuff usually goes for more detailed comment.
I'm happy with the result. Personally I don't think these need further work as they do exactly what I want them to do. It's a really good feeling when you recognise the poem's cooked. I hope people enjoy the reading of these 2 poems over the course of years as I've had preparing them.