Friday, August 10, 2007

First line frolics

Heather (thanks for popping by!) commented in my Graham thread below that I shouldn't be so down on myself or my ability. I'm not (he says big-headedly). What was disappointing me was the quality of the poems being produced by the exercise, specifically how my efforts were failing to tie the starting line with the rest of the poem. For example, which poem is better:

the red version

Imagine a forest of clown-trees,
she says, with revolving bow ties
for leaves and bright red nose buds.

Do the flowers squirt the bees
with nectar, I ask. Oh yes,
she agrees: it's a necessary prank;

how else can the long shoe pods form?
They dangle in pairs from the boughs,
you know, and drop with the first frost

to the hard ground, among the powder puff
balls and the slapstick stinkhorns:
who painted your face so sad?


or the blue version

Imagine a copse of clown-trees,
she says, with revolving bow ties
for leaves and bright red nose buds.

Do the flowers squirt the bees
with nectar, I ask. Oh yes,
she agrees: it's a necessary prank;

how else can the long shoe pods form?
They dangle in pairs from the boughs,
you know, and drop with the first frost

to the hard ground, among the powder puff
balls and the slapstick stinkhorns:
who painted your face so sad?


I know which one I prefer ...

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