Friday, October 14, 2005

Caveat Emptor

I feel no guilt for not posting for 3 weeks. This blog does not rule my life!

A poem to celebrate my return to blogland:

Caveat Emptor

#1. An unstrung tennis racket
It's the latest must-have accoutrement! Drape back
your curtains with these fully authentic, grand-slam
tennis racket style retainers. This is a window
treatment that will be the envy of all your neighbours,
a sporting style for every Modernista's home!

#2. A toilet with a cracked bowl
Limited stocks! Quality authentic porcelain patio
plantholders, delivered to your door. Spruce up
your yard with one of our exclusive planting designs
of miniature herbaceous displays, housed in a range
of premium quality Cracked Toilet(tm)
bowls. A centrepiece for every garden! Easy maintenance
guaranteed. Particularly useful for gardeners
with spinal challenges!

#3. A three-legged chair
Are you clumsy on your feet? Does the fear
of guests tripping on chairlegs cast
a shadow over every social occasion
you host in your home? Then this three-legged
chair is perfect for you! By reducing
the number of legs by a guaranteed minimum
of 25% you can invite all your friends
over for coffee knowing their safety
in your house has been massively
augmented! These chairs are
the latest must-have purchase
in Paris, Prague and Madrid!
Be stylish and safer with
our limited edition chairs!

#4. Cigarette butts
Just given up the devil's weed? We
can help you survive the night-time
cravings with our exclusive bedset
consisting of duvet and pillows.
Our Advanced Nicotine Stub(tm)
technology will ease your craving
while not damaging your health!
And because we offer competitively priced
duvet and pillow refills for a guaranteed
12 months as part of this special offer,
you'll be able to stay fit, healthy
and alert for work day after day
after day!

#5. A bald tyre
Be safe in the living
environment with
our patented personal
buffer system! Easy
to wear, safe to use!
Just slip the buffer
around your waist
and head on out
into the wilds
of the city - safe
in the knowledge
that danger will just
bounce away from you!
Second pair of support
braces offered free
until the end
of October! Buy now
while stocks last!

#6. Jar of dead flies
Instant protein granules! Just sprinkle
over your favourite food to experience
an immediate protein boost! Superb
for Atkins advocates and other high-protein
dieters. Crunchy and tasty too! As recommended
by the Flyjars Institute of Dietonics!

#7. Fluorescent camouflage outfit
P.I. Essentials are happy to recommend
the latest Chameleotronic Camoflage(tm)
outfits for investigators operating undercover
in nightclubs and late-music venues!
Additionally provides low-level background
luminescence for investigative continuance
in the event of power failure or blackout. No
wires! No batteries! Wide range of sizes
and styles available! Phone now
while stocks last!

#8. A basketball with holes
Halloween special! Synthetic pumpkins! Create
your very own Jack O'Lantern with our patented
Synthetic Pumpkin System(tm). Easy
instructions on how to create a stunning
monster lantern included in the pack. Satisfaction
guaranteed, or your money back! (Not for use
with naked flames).

#9. Soleless shoes
It's the ultimate
in ankle decoration!
We have a wide
selection of
Soulless Shoe(tm)
style anklets
currently in stock,
with many unique designs. Be Cooler
than Frostman! Buy now while stocks last!

#10. Chainsaw without chain
Angry, yet safety conscious? Release your stress
with Chainless Chainsaw(tm)! Smash your tree
into submission, with no danger of painful cuts
or decapitations! Environmentally sound product
with no hidden energy costs. Aerobic
exercise guaranteed!

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