Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Lammas sun etc (revised)

This one's beginning to head in the right direction, thanks to the feedback I'm getting from the poetry newsgroups.

The Lammas Sun has gone

Beyond the glassed face, fish
swim through mulm like ghosts
who haunt cellar barrels
sifting the last of the lees;

I'll net you a beer, neck
your sheen of skin stretched
from nape to blade, sift hairs
weaving your back in whorls -

and after? There is no after.
My face is glassed, your glass
is froth; ghost-clear worms
sift mulm, feed fish.

Ever wondered how to workshop a poem on the poetry newsgroups? Here's how. For contrast, see how the same poem gets workshopped at a more "traditional" web-based venue.

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